Visualize This

My baseball coach use to tell me to visualize the ball hitting the bat, the ball flying over the fence, and me running the bases. My coach was an idiot. I never hit one homerun in my entire career. I visualized homerun after homerun and rarely even got to 2nd base.

Let this be a lesson to all of you "players" out there. If all you do is dream about homeruns, you will be dissapointed when you hit for a single or double. Be happy that you got on base at all.

One time I just asked my date, "Wanna go on a walk?" She said yes. I then pitched four balls and intentionally walked her. That day I considered myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

A Monster Date

This was a tight poll. I personally thought that most of America would prefer SheMan over Peter Priesthood or a walking dead person. I was wrong. If there are 10 people in a room, take a look around, there are probably 4 that are dating zombies. If there are married people in the room, do not be afraid to ask them if their spouse is a zombie. Zombies walk among us everyday.

The question: I’d rather date a …

• Mormon
• Zombie
• Barack/Michelle
• Crossdressing Superhero

Again, there were 13 total votes. This is either lucky or unlucky. In closing, some quick advice to men – practice your best lurch, half-alive noises. Women love a man that can’t feel pain. Zombies are the best lovers ever.

Boolean Logic

Women are girls. Girls are kittens. Kittens are cute. Cute is a matter of opinion. Opinions can change. Change is good. Good is one letter short of God.

Thus, women are one letter short of God.

See how I did that just now? That was some good deductive reasoning. In order to find a sweet, foxy lady you must first find God and then add a letter. There you have it, a recipe for success. I wonder if there’s a Man Recipe …

I'll have some Lather with my Rather

The last "Would you rather ..." poll question has closed. It was the first of its kind on TRB (The Rules Boy). With its close comes a new era: the dawn of poll analysis. There will be many more. Please take the time to vote on the next poll. I will publish results, analysis, and interpretations as I see fit.

The question: Would you rather …

• Eat a pad of post-its
• Eat a roll of scotch tape
• Eat a piece of cake that tastes like poo
• Eat a piece of poo that tastes like cake

Clearly, two things can be deducted by this poll. First, only 13 people will survive some sort of disaster that leaves only office supplies, cake, and poo to eat. Second, over 50% of the world population likes the taste of poo.

Total Votes: 13

Top 10: Cheap Dates

Spending money is hard to do. Spending it on someone who you are unsure about is even worse.

10. Play video games. Girls love this. I especially recommend Halo.
9. Make-out … and whatever else she will allow.
8. Find some water and a floating device. Use your imagination.

7. Yoda or Pilots. These are apparently some kind of stretching exercises that women enjoy.
6. Workout. Go to the gym and show her your max bench.
5. Trade clothes and walk around your "downtown." You'll fit in.
4. Shop, try on crazy stuff, take pics – do NOT buy anything.
3. Retail Paintball – hide out and shoot customers walking out of large retail giants (Wal-Mart, Target, etc). Show them who’s boss!
2. Job Shadow – have her come to work for a day.
1. Cancel, Ditch, or be a No-Show.

Honorable Mention:

Dress up as football players and have your pets fight.

Have any great cheap date ideas? Please tell.

The Black Hole

Oh the harshness of space

The suffocating expanse

Where no being can dwell

Such is her heart.

She came to my life

It was more than a dream

her whim-bound eyes

Drew me closer, continually.

Her arms were as nebuli

her face, the moon

I was a deep-space explorer

She was my doom.

June Bug

Write something special for a special someone = girls like corn.

A face warmer than home,
Soul softer than the smallest sigh –
you know, after hands whisper love.
Aphrodite

Keen and acumen like a needle,
A cute sense of psyche –
you know, Her-a God to Grease.
June

Maybees disappear – definitive No or Yes,
Exhausted A to Z, layers of amethyst –
you know, the great divide.
Grand

Goddess of love. Queen of heaven. An abyss between us.

Advisory: No Lies Allowed

To thine own self be true - Bill Shakespeare

Think Before You Wink

Dear Rules Girl,
Important: I don’t wish to be rude, but I must put this plainly: Don't wink at me or any man in which you are interested. This will drive him away faster than a Turtle named Pip. Did you know that Lou Gehrig (a Yankee American Legend) got his big break when the current first baseman for the Yankees (Wally PIPP) sat out a game because of a headache??!!?!

Morals to this story:

1. If you are going to wink at a man, you better be darn sure he likes your eyes.

• Learn how to wink correctly.
• Wink with the left eye only.
• Right-eyed winks mean something too terrible to publish.

2. If you have a headache, don’t sit out.

• Lou might take your place.
• Take some medication.
• Whine about it and tell everyone you know. Guys love this.

Advisory: No Disguise Glasses Allowed

What Love is

Love is the core of peace
Peace is the epicenter of good
Good is the meaning life
Life is to be lived after love

Living is not existing
Existing is not breathing
Breathing is not speaking
Speaking is not easy

Love is what others are not
It covers the trap-door on our soul
It links our spirits
It fills a hole

Sting This

Rules Girl,
I enjoy, often agree with, and appreciate your posts. In fact, sometimes I am even inspired. It’s no secret The Rules Boy was established only after reading The Rules Girl … I mean, come on, what a clever name, right. True, most content contained within the realm of Rules Boy is – whimsical, nonsensical, magical, mystical, mythological, irrational, fanciful, fantastic, futuristic, sexilicious, supernatural, extra-planetary, logical and rational – a look inside the male mind.

One of its purposes is to provide the ever-growing Rules Girl readership a few checks and balances. You know, the “rules” from a male perspective. “The Boy” is right-side up. The “Rules” are upside down (see blog tittle ... Oops - title).

Important to note, men are always right ... just ask us. Of course, there is something to be said of delivery and tact; however, people choose to be stung or choose immunity to bee venom. This may be a scientific difference between male and female minds and might be best portrayed in The Princess Bride.

Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.

Let’s raise a glass: Cheers, Rules Girl, to our differences.

Opposites Repel

Shock, stun, ding your own bell. Life can become a little too comfortable at times. I am in need of change. Before bed last night I decided to take a page from George Costanza. Today I have been trying to do the opposite of what I would normally do. This is the highlighted report thus far:

I woke up in the middle of the night at 4:00 AM. I wanted to go back to sleep – I got up and did push-ups. Then, I quickly realized that I was doing push-ups and I recognized the opposite … so then I did some sit-ups. I stopped and wondered if I should try to do some pull-downs or stand-downs. I worked up an appetite. I knew I shouldn’t eat, “I can’t, but I must,” I thought. I could see this was getting out of foot, so I made burritos for put-together-slow.

Pay far attention: I dressed myself for play. Jeans, T-shirt, boat shoes – believe it. I found myself behind the mirror brushing my teeth. I swallowed, frowned, and said, “You are such a man-saver.”

Work: “Bad night. You’re there,” I said to my co-workers (no one said a word to me the rest of the day). I took lunch at 11:00. I wasn’t hungry, so I ate lots. I completed my work promptly, and a second ago I was reading a newsletter update from HR. I sent a text to a friend I never wanted to talk to again, and I changed my Facebook status to something completely false. I logged onto MySpace … imagine this, Ha!

Do something you normally wouldn’t do and report. I can’t wait to read the results.

Top 10: Acronyms You Should Know

10. LDR – Long Distant Relationship
You must be either 45 minutes of travel time or two cities apart.

9. DTR – Define The Relationship
A man’s worst nightmare. “Baby … what are we?”

8. STD – Special TurD: AKA – Sexually transmitted disease.
Steer clear. Is this a deal breaker for you?

7. XOXO – “I want to take you to my small, dark storage room downstairs.”
No one really knows this acronym’s origin.

6. SWALK – Sealed With A Loving Kiss
If you’ve used this, you’re level of homosexuality is at a minimum of 25%.

5. SLAP – Sounds Like A Plan
This is often accompanied with a brisk blow to the face.

4. TV – TransVestite
It used to mean TeleVision – it’s a new, ever-changing world.

3. DDF – Drug and Disease Free
Ask this of every person you ever date. “Are you DDF?”

2. MBA – Married But Available
Also an uneducated person with a paper to prove otherwise.

1. AAGOOC – Acronyms Are Getting Out Of Control

Go do something productive.

I Wanna Grow Up

Adolescence makes no sense at all.

It tries minds of all kinds big and small.

Little boys put away toys and act as men,

While little girls straighten curls when ten.

Suddenly emotions cause all sorts of commotion

Sworn enemies holding hands becomes very grand.

Excitement peaks, new feelings reached, even in sleep

Until only the heart breaks abound in ignorant aches

And sleepy tears are overcome with darkest fears.

Adolescence makes absolutely no sense,

It shocks senses and brings repentance.

All small boys ought to remain coy

Then girls joys could they enjoy.

Pardon my Absence

There are many reasons why I have neglected this blog, Michael’s tragic death being chief among them, however, it is time for a reemergence. Although the King is dead, the rules are not. Please accept my apologies, if you follow or read this blog, I will in turn try to thrill your lives with the passion of a King.

Happiness, my friends, is a choice. Lettuce always remember this. If you carrot all, you will choose wisely. If you do not CHOOSE to be happy, it is likely that you will turn into an a*ple.

Just some food for thought.

The Unbeatable Six Rose System

This is quite possibly one of the most important technical intricacies of dating, so pay attention. Whenever you take out with a girl for the first time bring six roses.  Since you don’t know how the date will go beforehand this will enable you to prepare for any scenario possible.  Each rose will be a different color and will convey a different meaning or emotion, this will help you look sensitive, not to mention that girls melt when guys they barely know give them roses.

Here is the breakdown of the six roses:

Red Rose: Red is the universal color for passion and romance.  If you felt a chemical or emotional romance on your date, then this is the rose.  Red rose also symbolize loveliness and beauty, so if you can give her credit for nothing besides being physically attractive enough to be asked on a date, this would also qualify her for a red rose.

Pink Rose: This color stands for admiration or appreciation.  If you felt like she left you wanting more then give her a pink rose.  Being adorable also deserves a pink rose.

Yellow Rose: This rose symbolizes friendship, lets her know not to have any expectations in the future.  It can also symbolize jealousy, if she texted or took a phone call during the date—yellow rose.

White Rose: If you want to really get out on a limb go for the white rose.  This one symbolizes purity and honor.  This means you intend to go the distance and represents your willingness to commit.

Orange Rose: Orange roses symbolize enthusiastic and passionate desire.  Reserve this rose for a girl who managed to turn you on during the first date, let her know you’re ready for whatever’s next.

Purple Rose: If you found yourself mesmerized by her whimsical glances and the song in her voice, then give her the purple rose.  Purple represents enchantment or love at first sight.

Remember, give her the rose at her door at the end of the date.  Explain to her briefly why you’re giving her that particular rose, so the expectations can be set for the next rendezvous. Every first date can be categorized among one of the six roses, I hope this is clear, they are not more complicated than the six rose system.  Remember, dating is a ritual, practice makes perfect.

Top 10: Musical Make-out

It's time to get down to business (subtract "to business"). Here are 10 songs to set the mood. Play this song when you think the time is right and you might get some lip action ... or more. I have a feeling people are going to be very opinionated about this topic; thus, I've tried to include many genres of music.
Note: I've spent countless hours listening to music while thinking about naughty things in order to compile this list. Also important to note, I considered many suggestions ... only 10 could make the list. Lastly, keep in mind that there are many different types of "making out."

10. Bend and Break - Keane
9. Take Me On The Floor - The Veronicas
8. Happy Together - The Turtles
7. Put It On Me - Ja Rule
6. Mmm Bop - Hansen
5. Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
4. Somebody Loved - The Weepies
3. I'd Rather Dance With You - Kings of Convenience
2. Breathe - Faith Hill
1. When A Man Loves A Woman - Percy Sledge

Honorable Mention(s):
YMCA - The Village People
Yellow - Coldplay
Awake - Secondhand Serenade
Take My Breath Away - Berlin
Return to Innocence - Enigma
Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
Let Me Put My Love Into You - AC/DC

Well, what do you think? Speak your mind. If you have something nasty to say, email me: therulesboy@gmail.com. I may release a Top 10: Serenade Sex list in the near future ... Thoughts?

On a serious note.

This may come as a shock to many of you, but I was married once.  My marriage failed, it wasn’t anything either of us did, sometimes a union is dissolved by something as simple as “Marriage Failure”.  Complications of the nuptials, it happens.

I have always been a rules boy, this has been true from the beginning and will remain true to the end.  Lest we forget.

“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.”  My ex-wife recited this incantation on the morning of our wedding and performed the physical ritual it describes.  This protected our marriage on only a single front.  Unfortunately my dear friends, marriage has two fronts, just like the Nazis in WWII.  We must come up with an incantation combined with a physical ritual to protect us from the supernatural forces that constantly threaten to destroy marriage and the family.  No, I’m not talking about homosexuals and feminists, I’m talking about the Russians!  The Russians being a metaphor for Marriage Failure!  Raise awareness!

Don’t even think about getting married before this is resolved.  Here’s something I thought up that might do the trick, let me know what you think:

“Something wild, something round, something styled, something you found.”

I was thinking my Julius Caesar craft crown I found backstage in my high school drama class could count as all three.  No, you can't borrow it.

Any other ideas?

Edgar's Crows

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edgar_Crow_Baker
I've often pondered a phrase given to me by a friend: "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw." What if my name was Moo or Roar?? (More to come on this later). The point I want to make is simple. Real women are not crows. They don't call at me like cows do ... well, nevermore.
What kinds of persons do you attract?

Here's what I usually reel in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loS8aF-yPy0

Top 10: Are You Serious?

In honor of a friend that works for and occasionally stars on the Letterman Show, I've decided to periodically post top 10 lists. This first list includes 10 sure-fire ways you can determine the status of your relationship as -- SERIOUS. Keep in mind, this list is mostly for men, but many entries apply to the opposing gender as well. Enjoy, give feedback, agree or disagree, laugh or cry - just don't tuck your shirt into your jeans.

10. You kiss in public ... and you enjoy it.
9. You decide what you're doing with her on Saturday … on Saturday.
8. You can hear yourself think because it’s quiet, but it’s not an awkward silence.
7. You pick your nose, she watches, she picks hers, and the two of you pick happily ever after.
6. She used to cook for you regularly.
5. She starts suggesting baby names … it doesn’t bother you.
4. Kissing/Making out doesn’t last very long. There are bigger fish to fry.
3. She’s buying you “cute outfits.”
2. She skips out on “Girl’s Night.”
1. No more Gas Pains – dinner for three, please: Me, My Lady, and Flatulence.

Honorable Mention: You like her without make-up.

See what a professional had to say:
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/most-obvious-signs-know-serious-relationship.html

Blind Dates

We’ve all been set up on blind dates before.  If not then you don’t have any friends who care if you ever find true love and you also don’t date online.

Whether you’re meeting a girl from eHarmony or a friend of a friend, the first impression is critical.  Study these:

1)     First of all, meet in a public place rather than going to her door or her coming to yours, it’s safer this way and if you are not attracted to her then you can just tell her she’s mistaken you for somebody else and go home.

2)     Bring something to keep you occupied should you arrive first (a book, cell phone game, roller skates, etc.) you don’t want to stand there awkwardly, repeatedly looking at your phone in ringxiety.

3)  Wear sunglasses, this way you can stare people in the face who might be your date without them sensing your gaze.  She may look different in real life than in her profile picture, it's unrealistic to count on recognizing her at a glance.  Once you’ve made a positive ID you can act cool and aloof.

4)     Shake hands, no hugs for first meets.

5)     Before you go anywhere, get out your wallet and count your money.  Bring about $400 in cash whether you plan on spending it or not.  Cash money always impresses.

Warning: If you are taking out a girl you met online do not disclose any personal information, 1 out of 4 online dates leads to stalking and murder.  Don’t be a statistic, use a fake name until you feel comfortable.

Only true lovers can withstand the sands of deceit.

This is a message found on the beach in Atlantic City, the setting for many destroyed lives and men who wear denim shorts.  It was torn into bits, but I was able to salvage what I could and fill in the gaps.  Let us all learn from this.  Please read.

Now, the names were torn off, I used a pair of pseudonyms to identify the parties involved.  This boy obviously cheated on his sweetheart and she found out.  He is trying to win her back, I wish we could see how it all plays out, but since she tore up the note I'm guessing it didn't go well.  The lesson for Rules Boys is that you should never ever let your sweetheart find out you're cheating on her.  Remember this and you will live a full and productive life.

Let's Make a Deal

Dolphins and porpoises are mammals. They must come to the surface to breathe. Thus, some would say they are shallow, ocean dwelling creatures. I’m an orca (This ocra, in fact, dorsal fin and all) – I seal deals.

Deal Breakers - something that you absolutely cannot and should not look past. Deal breakers are a must. If you don’t know what you don’t want, you won’t realize you have what you don’t want before it’s too late to not get involved (quintuple negative). Therefore, it is vital that YOU establish your own deal breakers. I’ll share a few of mine … the list keeps on growing, my lungs are getting weaker and my blowhole smaller.

In no particular order:

1. The Frisbee – If you can’t successfully toss a Frisbee more than ten feet three times in a row, get lost. Men like coordinated women. I suggest you purchase a Frisbee and practice with a close friend. It’s all in the wrist … I’m told that’s important.

2. The V-Card – Ok, so most people don’t hold a full deck of cards, but I’m willing to share what cards I do hold. I’m honest about it. I’m not proud, but I’m not ashamed. Mating is natural and courtship is beautiful (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=727sx5cCxqA&feature=related). Detailed description is not needed. Just be honest and upfront. The sooner this topic is broached the better. Refusal to discuss and/or lies will break any deal.

3. Shoes – Ashley, if you ever read this, I’m sorry. Ashley showed up at my apartment with transparent heels. Lights flickered and flashed with each step. I walked her to her car and said goodnight. When it comes to shoes, do as Dr. Jones did, “Choose Wisely.”

Do you have deal breakers? Care to share ...

Face Time

Ok.  The only way you will ever get that special someone to notice you is through the strategic use of Face Time.  Face Time is a term often thrown around but rarely understood.  Here is the Rules Boy definition of Face Time:

Face time-- /power noun/ Time spent in somebody’s line of sight (face) with the intent of becoming attractive to him or her.

All you need to do is follow her until you reach a venue where it’s appropriate to take your shirt off.  Once you get there you start an impromptu game (this can be anything: football, basketball, Frisbee, etc.), the teams are shirts versus skins.  You are the captain of the skins.  You may find it helpful to write a large letter C on your bicep, shoulder, or pectoral beforehand, just so it’s clear.

The rest is easy boys.  Just play the game with the skills god gave you and she will never forget it.  

Please note, This is just one Rules Boy recipe for getting real quality Face Time.  Be creative and try your own ways, but you can't go wrong with this one.  Works 80% of the time.

Don’t forget to manscape beforehand.

John David Booty Called or Was it Jack?

I like action. Arnold, Sly, and Jack Bauer turn ME on. But that's a different kind of action ... I'm talking about a more delicate, rhythmic action – you know, the ins and outs of life. I like that action. Do you? Of course you do, it’s the dry season.

In times of drought, in long periods without rain or snow, in times when the lake beckons … pick up your phone and call or text. Who cares if it’s just for a little boo-tay? Whether it's John David Booty or Lauren Conrad, some action is better than no action. Jack Bauer, an expert on the matter, pretty much summed it up in Day 6 when he said:

“Not hard enough! You had the political power. Was the timing not right? Was it a little too complicated?”

Granted, Jack has a few more ties than most men, many of which are politicos, but every guy and girl out there has someone on the backburner. Don’t be afraid to call – just make your motive expressively clear.

I practice what I preach, or at least I try. So, stay tuned and I’ll report.

First Meats

Everybody, when you first meet somebody I don’t find it wise to immediately scheme to “get digits”. 

OMFG, this girl is so beautiful, I may never see her again, this could be my chance! This is do or die, time to separate the men from the boys! The world is yours.

You immediately want to thrust yourself into a date situation.  Doing so will only set strange expectations and result in an awkward, almost scripted get-to-know-you session. Don’t force anything. Be loosey goosey.  Maybe you’ll never see her again--how mysterious and sexy. This can only work in your favor. Maybe you do see her again because getting her number was the natural thing to do. Way to go tiger.